The Health Blog

Monogamy means having sex with a partner who only has sex with you.

This strategy dramatically reduces your likelihood of acquiring an infection. Having partners outside your relationship puts both you and your steady partner at risk for acquiring a sexually transmitted infection. The fewer partners people have, the less likely they are to become infected with an STD.

Having sex with one partner can still pose a risk if that partner has had unprotected sex with other partners in the past or has engaged in other high-risk activity, such as sharing equipment for injection drug use. The only sure way to know if a partner is infected with STDs is for that partner to be tested. Otherwise it is a good idea to abstain from sex, or to use barrier methods such as condoms, to keep yourself safer.

Some people, particularly some teenagers, believe that having sex with only one person at a time, even if it’s only for a few weeks at a time, will prevent them from becoming infected with an STD, and that it is therefore safe not to use condoms. This practice, called “serial monogamy,” does not offer any protection against getting an STD, since any partner could be infected with an STD from a previous relationship and not know it. If there is any risk of having acquired STDs in the past, even if both partners are symptom free, employ safer sex practices or abstain from sex until both partners have been tested. If a partner refuses to be tested and you decide to have sex with that partner, continue to practice safer sex.

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Because (unlike BPH) the disease generally begins its growth pretty far away from the urethra, most prostate cancer is fairly advanced before it leads to symptoms that men notice and worry about. But another problem is that there really aren ‘t any clear-cut, telltale symptoms of prostate cancer—signs that make a doctor say, “Aha! This can only be prostate cancer!” All of the symptoms of prostate cancer can be attributed to other causes. Some, for example, are caused when a tumor becomes large enough to encroach on the urethra and block the urinary tract. These symptoms—frequent or urgent urination, hesitancy, interrupted or weakened flow, dribbling, trouble urinating at all, or even blood in the urine—are often mistaken for BPH. Another (although less common) symptom is the development of impotence or of less rigid erections, which can happen as cancer invades the nerves involved in erection. This, too, is accepted as something else—a sign of aging, not a cause for alarm; so is a decrease in the amount of fluid ejaculated, a problem that results when the ejaculatory ducts become blocked by the tumor. (This blockage also can cause blood in the semen.) Still other manifestations, such as severe pain in the back, pelvis, hips or thighs (which can develop as the cancer begins to attack the bone), also might be thought to spring from other causes.

Symptoms of Prostate Cancer

BPH-like symptoms (trouble urinating, frequent or urgent urination, interrupted or weakened flow, hesitancy, dribbling) Blood in the urine or ejaculate Severe pain in the back, pelvis, hips, or thighs Less rigid erections or impotence A decrease in the amount of fluid ejaculated

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Sexual activity does not stop at the age of sixty, though young people often find it hard to imagine that their parents still make love. And parents, for their part, are often embarrassed to let their children think they still enjoy a sexual relationship.

It would be wrong to try and define what love after sixty should be like. One does not become a “senior citizen” all of a sudden. Ageing is a steady, gradual process that takes place throughout one’s life. The frequency of intercourse slows down long before sixty, partly because of the body’s ageing but also due to psychological reasons and a certain slackening of the sex drive.

In any case less frequent lovemaking may be better quality lovemaking. In place of the fiery passion of youth, there is now a better knowledge of what pleases a lover, a better control of impulses, a different sexual behaviour pattern in which eroticism plays a more important part.

They advantage of old age is also its great drawback: the refusal to accept one’s age. People try to hold on as long as possible to the belief that they are young, and worry when their sex life cannot keep pace.

Wisdom would advise against trying to continue beating records. Whatever your age, you should make love when you feel like it and only when you feel like it.

The post-sixty years are also the time when physiological events have an impact on sexual activity. The menopause for women, prostate trouble for men, circulation problems for both. Operations. Illness weakens you more, and for longer, than when you were twenty.

But it is not enough to submit to these problems as if they were unavoidable. Medical science can help, and no one should feel afraid (or ashamed) to consult their doctor about sexual problems. Impotence, for example, is no longer incurable. It may be caused by arteries in bad condition. It can be cured by a suitable diet together with a drug treatment free of side-effects. Hormone deficiency is another possible cause. There are tests to identify testosterone deficiency, and the hormone balance can be restored by appropriate treatment.

In point of fact, once one has reached one’s sixties, with children and grandchildren, a host of other things become more important than one’s sex life. And no doubt this is as it should be.

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Play is a natural and spontaneous activity from earliest childhood on. Innocent games, but in which a psychiatrist might find underlying deviant tendencies. The child plays hide and seek (voyeurism?), cowboys and Indians with the victim tied to a post (domination/submission?), mummies and daddies (basic eroticism?). Children dress up

(transvestism?); they fondle their dolls but they also punish them (sadism?).

These spontaneous games cease with the onset of adolescence, when they are replaced by sports or intellectual games. These are not spontaneous: they have fixed rules and conventions.

With sexual maturity, games reappear in the life of the couple. They are almost always based on a sexual deviation, though they express it in a very much modified form. They do not always lead to an immediate sexual conclusion; often they are just a revival of childhood games with an added hint of the erotic.

For example, a group of couples on a country picnic party might decide to play hide and seek. The blindfold seeker will make the most of feeling all over the girl he has caught to identify who it is (this game is of course related to mate-swapping).

Another party game might be an innocent “gay competition”: the girls dance together while the men form a jury to pick the best lesbian couple.

Or at a bridge party, the dummy might earn the right to pay court to the hostess. (This is wife-swapping without practical consequences).

The classic game of strip poker can take a number of players or just two (this is voyeurism/exhibitionism).

Transvestism can suggest a game where the woman plays the man’s role by lovingly undressing her man when he is wearing women’s clothes.

Many sexual games play on the domination/submission theme. Sometimes they are an outlet for reversing the usual roles: for example a normally authoritarian man may, for the duration of the game, allow his lady to hold him on a leash like an animal, obeying the most outrageous orders she can think of.

The bondage games many couples play, tying each other up in different positions, are variants of this game. Both partners are excited by the fact that one is at the mercy of the other. The game does not necessarily lead straight to intercourse: if it does, it becomes a rape game.

Many games are based on sado-masochism. Sometimes they combine bondage with submissive postures (the bound partner on his or her knees, or crawling on all fours, perhaps with verbal abuse as well). The most widespread of these games is the spanking; this inflicts little pain provided it is done with the hand or a small cat-o’-ninetails, and is a powerful sexual stimulant, enhanced still further by its exhibitionist aspect. It must of course remain a game and not become a punishment. It must only be played if both partners are willing, and it must keep to jointly agreed rules: the “victim” must always have the right to call “Pax!” to stop the game.

Your imagination may suggest any number of games. Your partner does not even have to be there: there is the graffiti game, for example, where you put a blackboard and chalk in the toilet, where each can write or draw a whole range of fantasies they dare not admit to any other way. Then there is the telephone game: you telephone your wife when she is at home with friends or in the office surrounded by colleagues, and you start a conversation about some very precise sexual subject so that she is confused and embarrassed trying to answer you with people present.

Sometimes erotic games require joint planning by the couple. They may start off a particular game by a previously agreed signal: an apparently innocent code word, a simple drawn symbol, or a sign like moving the salt cellar or a spoon on the table. This starts the game without their table companions having noticed anything.

Apart from such secret codes, what characterizes a game is that there is no prior agreement. One partner takes the initiative on the spur of the moment and the other joins in or not, as she/he feels.

The scenario, on the other hand, is a game that does imply collaboration.

Erotic scenarios are an excellent way of overcoming shyness, over-modesty or communications problems between partners. Working out the plot of the scenario together is a game in itself. Putting it into practice is a second game, with both partners improvising within the boundaries of the roles allotted to them.

In practice it goes as follows: one partner thinks up the characters and the situation. The other accepts this as the starting point, or refuses, or suggests a different scenario or a variation on the first.

For example:

The man has had a terrible accident. He is immobilized on his hospital bed, encased in plaster … The other partner takes up the story: His wife comes to visit him and … The first partner: Couldn’t it be a nurse who comes in? (and so on and so on … the story might continue with the wife surprising her husband as he debauches with the nurse, etc.).

The value of the scenario is that it enables the couple to go much further than the story just suggested. They can raise fantasies and scenes they would never dare mention in conversation, but which pose no problems in the context of a game.

The scenario allows one partner to express a desire in an indirect way to see how the other reacts. If she/he reacts badly, there is no harm done because it is only a game.

Besides the erotic thrill they get from working out the plot, the mere fact of working it out together is exciting for the partners. Sexual experiences that would have been ill-received without joint preparation may be quite acceptable in the context of a scenario. It may also give a partner who usually feels dominated by the other a chance to play the dominant part without the other being surprised.

Once the scenario has been established, it can be played straight away (as it often is) or put off until later (which makes the pleasure last longer), or not played at all.

How about these scenarios as starting points:

the woman dresses up and makes up in a very sexy style and plays a prostitute soliciting her husband with very precise suggestions.

the husband rapes a hitchhiker. In prison, a female warder revenges her sex with appropriate tortures.

the dirty phone call. Man and woman take turns to call a supposed unknown subscriber to describe their most unacceptable desires.

a photographer hires models for a session of very special poses for a pornographic magazine.

There are hosts of other erotic scenes you may imagine, with such settings as school, law court, hotel, church confessional, lady’s underwear shop, and so on.

Some scenarios can be highly elaborate, with subplots and twists enough to make them real screenplay material. There is nothing to stop you hiring a video camera to film it in private – or get someone with a voyeuristic streak to film it!

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While it is easy to define bisexuality, it is very difficult to explain it or justify it. Even the scientists have given up trying.

Freud and the Freudian psychoanalysts have looked for a hormonal cause, but this has never been proven. On the other hand, endocrinologists have shown that an excess of male hormones can lead to feminization.

All one can say is that all men have their share of feminine characteristics, and vice versa. The proportions vary very widely. A small share of the opposite sex’s characteristics will have almost no effect on normal heterosexual relations. A larger share will not necessarily lead to bisexuality. It will all depend on the partner and his or her capacity to satisfy slightly ambiguous desires.

At first sight bisexuality seems to be an intermediate state between heterosexuality and homosexuality. But things are not so simple. Remember that physiologically speaking, heterosexuality is a normal and natural form of sexual relations, while homosexuality is a sexual deviation. Bisexuality is just an amplification of tendencies that exist in all of us, male and female.

These tendencies often remain unexpressed, or find expression in the form of private fantasies. In many happy heterosexual couples, one of the partners is bisexual without knowing it, or represses his/her bisexuality out of respect for the other partner.

The confirmed bisexual generally has a stable union with a partner of the opposite sex, plus occasional relations with a partner of the same sex. Curiously enough it seems that married women find it easier to accept when their husbands have affairs with other men, rather than with women.

It is difficult to assess what percentage of the population is bisexual. The figures given in the Kinsey Report put it at 10% for confirmed bisexuals and 25% for occasional bisexuals.

Bisexual tendencies, often unexpressed, frequently arise in adolescence, that troubled period when the young person’s sexuality is seeking its orientation at a mental level rather than in action.

The tendencies re-emerge after middle age, for two reasons. In the first place, by that time men are beginning to have difficulty getting erections and women are having difficulty getting orgasms, so that both may be tempted to try a second fling with a partner of the same sex. The other reason is frustrated urges and fantasies; the person may feel their desires are legitimate, but they have never been properly satisfied. This mainly concerns such practices as fellatio, cunnilingus and anal intercourse.

The basic difference between the homosexual and the bisexual is that the homosexual has no choice. Homosexuals, of either sex, do not experience their condition as an anomaly. They are fine that way and have no desire to change. Indeed they could not change if they wanted to.

Bisexuals, on the contrary, are well aware of being misfits. They will therefore make an effort to conform, especially if the homosexual tendencies are fairly weak, and will often establish a stable heterosexual relationship. If the other partner is aware of the bisexual’s kinky tastes and is happy to cater to them, there is a good chance the couple will lead a perfectly normal and entirely satisfying sex life.

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But here we shall restrict ourselves to the classic positions for a heterosexual couple. With all these positions, bear in mind that those where the man lies on his back, and all those where the man is passive and the woman active, will help delay ejaculation. Positions where the man is standing are good for keeping up an erection. Penetration is deepest when the woman’s knees are very close to her body. If she closes her thighs once the penis is inside her, both penis and clitoral area get more stimulation.

1) The woman lies on her back, legs stretched out and wide apart, the man stretched out on top of her. This is the classic “missionary position”, the most commonly used by all couples. It is the man who has the initiative for moving. Penetration is fairly deep, and the penis is better stimulated than with the knees bent because the vagina is a little narrower.

The inconvenience for the woman is that she can be somewhat crushed by a heavy partner. She is rather passive because she is immobilized by the man’s body. It is best if he takes a pause in his thrusting now and then to raise his body a few centimetres; the woman can then move her pelvis and take part in the action.

Variant: once the penis is inside her, the woman closes her legs and clenches them tight. Penetration is shallow, but the penis is strongly stimulated.

2) Same position except that the woman bends her knees and crosses her ankles behind the man’s back. The penis enters very deep and the clitoris gets more stimulation, but the vaginal entrance is wider. If the man gets to his knees, the two bodies are held firmly together and both take part in the movement.

3) The woman lies on her back, the buttocks overhanging the side of the bed (or table). The man kneels (or stands, if his partner is lying on a table). The advantage of this position is that the man can raise and lower his partner’s pelvis at will, changing the angle of penetration and hence the sensations the woman feels.

4) This is a variant of position 2, with the woman’s knees bent; but instead of knotting her legs round the man’s hips, she bends them right up to rest her calves on his shoulders, against his neck. This gives maximum penetration. Penis and clitoris alike are well stimulated, but the woman is passive.

In these four positions, the man is above the woman and she is more or less passive. Positions where the woman is on top and active are much appreciated, for example, by pregnant women or those with a very heavy partner. The fact of being active excites the woman. These positions are also agreeable for the man, who is made aware that his woman is making love to him.

5) The man is stretched on his back, the woman kneeling astride him, facing him, leaning on her
arms on either side of his body. She raises and lowers her body to her own chosen rhythm. During these movements, the man caresses the buttocks and breasts, or helps lift and lower her. Both partners arc strongly stimulated.

Variant: the woman is seated rather than leaning on her arms. Advantage: the man can rub her clitoris more easily as she moves. Inconvenience: the thigh muscles tire more quickly.

In either position, the woman can stop moving from time to time, her body slightly raised, allowing the man to thrust in and out in his turn. Or she can stop with her clitoris against his pelvis, both partners making only small movements that provide a very exciting friction for the clitoral area.

6) This is a further variant, but with the woman facing towards the man’s feet. This allows her to vary the angle of the penis in the vagina by shifting her position. And it allows the man to raise himself slightly to put his arms around his partner, caress her breasts or tickle her clitoris.

7) Penetration from behind – the rear entry technique. Both partners kneel on the bed or on the floor, or the woman kneels near the edge of the bed while the man stands on the floor, in which position he has considerable freedom of movement. Penetration is easy because vagina and penis are at the same angle.

Lying on one side. For the penis to penetrate easily, one should begin with positions 1 or 6, then twist around to lie on one side. The woman is facing her partner or away from him depending on the starting position.

These are restful positions, to be used for a brief intermission: penetration is not really satisfactory.

Finally there are positions in which neither partner is “dominant”:

9) The man sits on the bed, legs wide apart, and the woman sits up against him, facing him, her legs apart and folded round his hips. The partners are body to body and have their hands free to caress each other. This is a position much appreciated by women, who are more sentimental than men. But neither partner can make bold movements. This is a position for taking a break rather than one for immediate orgasm.

10) The man sits on a chair or a stool. The woman sits on his penis, legs wide, her back to the man; it is she who plays the active part. The man is in a good position to caress her breasts and stimulate her clitoris.

11) Standing position. This will only work if the woman is as tall as the man, otherwise he cannot get his penis in.

A more comfortable variant is for the woman to put her arms round the man’s neck and hitch herself up, crossing her legs round his waist. It is very easy to insert the penis in this position. The man holds the woman up by her buttocks, while she rotates her hips. There is no in-and-out, but the penis stirs around in the vagina – a very agreeable sensation. Moreover the position is very satisfying in itself, with the two bodies tightly entwined – women especially enjoy it, as they always like that extra spice of tenderness in intercourse.

Apart from these basic positions, the couple can invent a whole host of variants as their imagination and their fantasies dictate.

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The most sensitive parts of a woman’s sexual apparatus are the clitoris, the vagina and the G spot. So sensitive are they that any one of the three can unleash an orgasm.

The clitoris is the zone that must always be stimulated before intercourse. Its length and volume vary a great deal from woman to woman. It must be handled with extreme care, gently and slowly. Vary your caresses and pay attention to your partner’s reactions: not all women like to stimulated in the same way. You can caress the whole area from pubis to vagina with the flat of your hand, varying the pressure; you can roll the shaft of the clitoris with a finger or two, or you can masturbate it lightly by sliding the skin over the core. And above all you can suck the tip, as we shall see in the chapter on cunnilingus.

The vagina is most sensitive along the first third of its length. This is the area you should excite with the tongue or the finger. The entire surface of the inner labia, with their extremely sensitive skin, responds to stroking with the tongue. Take the labia between thumb and forefinger to separate them and give your tongue as big an area as possible to explore. Let it roam to and fro around the entrance to the vagina, poke it in as deep as it will go. It can be awkward holding the labia apart to do this, and your partner may well do this for you herself. This is an advantage, and it leaves your hands free to stroke clitoris, breasts, buttocks or any place you like.

The G spot. Few men or women know about this erogenous zone, yet it can unleash multiple orgasms of surprising intensity.

It is called the G Spot because the first academic study of it, published forty years ago, was by a German physician named Ernest Grafenburg. Grafenburg’s report ought to have made a great stir – and yet it is now almost completely forgotten. This must be partly due to the survival of the taboo concerning all sexual matters: “the less said the better”. Another reason is that two world-famous specialists, Masters and Johnson, have long since established the principle that the clitoris is the sole site of orgasm for a woman, the vagina playing only a secondary part. Nonetheless, for lack of systematic studies on large numbers of women under scientific conditions, the question arouses controversy even now.

The problem with the G Spot is as follows: it cannot be seen, it cannot be immediately identified by touch, and it has to be stimulated for quite a long time before pleasurable sensations begin. This means a fair amount of trial and error in the initial stimulation before the spot is properly located. It is therefore the woman herself who must do this, but this is seen as masturbation, and for that reason many women hesitate to do it, for reasons of morals or convention or because they feel entirely fulfilled by the clitoral and vaginal orgasms they already get with their partner.

The G Spot lies about four or five centimetres into the vagina, on the front wall. It is best to empty the bladder completely before looking for it, as a full bladder is sensitive to pressure from a finger in the vagina and will make you want to urinate. Fairly strong pressure has to be applied, with a massaging movement around the area where the G spot should be. You should feel a slight hardening and swelling over an area one or two centimetres across – the G spot. If you continue to massage the spot, the pleasant feeling will grow and will end in an orgasm which some women describe as much more intense than clitoral and vaginal orgasms. At the same time a fluid is discharged, rather like semen except that it contains no sperm.

This discharge at the moment of orgasm can be important psychologically, as many women, consciously or unconsciously, feel frustrated by the fact that they cannot ejaculate like a man.

Another point about the G spot is that it seems to be capable of producing several orgasms in quick succession.

Once you have found your G spot, it will be easy to guide your partner to it. He will be glad to discover a new way of giving you an orgasm.

It is by far the easiest to stimulate the G spot with a finger. Under the right conditions, however, your lover’s penis will be able to do it. The right conditions are (1) a narrow vagina with well-trained muscles, (2) a penis penetrating not too deeply into the vagina, and (3) a position that enables the penis to enter at a slight angle, towards the front vagina wall and the G spot; the best position is a rear entry position on hands and knees.

This technique of shallow penetration is not very widely known, even though it is the best way of bringing on and amplifying a woman’s orgasm.

Before we end this chapter, it is worth saying a few words about the anus as an erogenous zone. Further on, in the chapter on anal intercourse, we shall consider the anus as a suitable orifice for penetration.

The anus is sensitive to touch because it is endowed with a great many nerve endings. You will realize this if you concentrate on it while defecating. Unfortunately, its role in defecation has always meant that the anus is regarded as a dirty place, not to be touched or looked at. This taboo is still very much alive and well.

Provided you can first free your mind of this taboo, stimulation of this eminently erogenous zone during foreplay, during intercourse or at the moment of orgasm, will give great pleasure to both sexes.

Caressed with a finger moistened with saliva, the anus will give you voluptuous sensations, not just around the anus itself but spreading out to the whole genital region. Besides just touching, one can poke a finger in, shallowly or deeply; men often like this as a way of massaging the prostate at the moment of orgasm.

This technique, like the shallow penetration technique we spoke of earlier, is a little known way of accelerating female orgasm.

The anus can also be stimulated with the tongue – a process called anilictus. This is especially agreeable because there is always plenty of saliva by way of lubricant.

It goes without saying that anilictus requires meticulous cleanliness of the anal area. It must be washed with scrupulous care, preferably just beforehand.

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